Silence

In the silence I rediscover who I am.

 

 

There is something so cathartic sitting in silence in the early morning hours. My dogs are fed, they've run the yard, and I am at my computer listening to birds chirping, the soft breathing of the hounds, and the whir of the ceiling fan over my head. It is hypnotic.

 

I look out the window and my yard spans as far as I can see. It is not that my yard is so big - it is just that the right of way to the creek gives me privacy. Space to dream.

 

Yesterday the lawn ladies came and trimmed all my overgrown bushes, getting rid of that pesky privet shrubs that grew four feet high and invaded every space that once held cottage flowers. The only bushes that are still tall and proud, my rose bush that drapes and crawls over a pink iron cart in the back bed, and butterfly bushes in the side bed that look like they came out of a maze from Alice in Wonderland. I can see straight across the yard to the farm fence. It was hysterical to watch the dogs' reactions when they ran out yesterday afternoon and sniffed every open space. I can keep track of where the dogs are better now. The yard is fenced, but two dogs, Bertha Barth and Miss Chloe, like to try to dig under the edges of everything. Sadly for those two,  I can catch them in the act. Their antics exposed before they get too far.

 

This morning, my kitchen door is open and there is the faintest hint of fresh air coming through the door and circling out the sunroom window. Time stands still in a world that is way too active. I used to crave company in the morning, wanting to talk to someone, to hear a human voice, to have sound where I sat quietly thinking about how my life used to be. I realize now there is sound everywhere if you listen.  A melody that sings without any voice that needs to be answered.

 

I've worried the past year that the universe has stopped giving me signs. If you know me, you know I follow those signs as though they were a road map. I think my head was too full of what I thought I needed to do, that inner chatter that confused me, rather than show me my path. I love the quote above. It is not mine, but I find it to be so true.

 

In the silence I rediscover who I am.

 

I am due to have hip replacement surgery in May. I have postponed it for months my fear of surgery overwhelming me and the lack of signs from above (yes, my universe includes the man above!) as to what to do and when. The silence of the last few months has finally given me my answers. May. That month that everything seems to happen - love, marriage, death, rebirth, all in May over the years. Now surgery. It will be the rebirth of my getting control of my life again. The silence giving me strength. The universe bringing new friends, a great pet sitter, a diet plan and exercise.  I am learning more about myself as I sit quietly and take deep breaths. Life doesn't always have to be full speed ahead to bring you what you want. This health interim has shown me that I need to slow down to move forward. I needed to clear my head of the image I had of myself that is so out of date. I love that at any moment life can give us an epiphany to help us find our true selves.

 

My heart was sad over the holidays because my life seemed so isolated with my hip and knee issues. Now I have to smile. It was a time of growth, to look inward, to take that silence and rediscover what matters most. I've cleared my demons and the universe has room again to guide me.